The Queen Cat Answers Readers Questions

Since my interview by The Intruder Cat was posted on this blog, I have been inundated with questions by readers. I must confess, I've been flattered by all the attention. So now I, The Queen Cat, shall devote my time to answering some of the questions, that have been asked.

I had this pic taken just for fun...I, of course, have a secretary that does my blogging.



A reader from Dog Patch, TN, asks:

Dear Queen Cat:

Can a dog become Queen of a Noncat Colony? Are you born that way, or do you get voted in, or just take over one day by surprise?




Dear Dog Patch Reader:

I shall answer the second part of your questions first. You are not born, voted in, or by force, recognized as the leader of a Noncat Colony. You BECOME The Queen Cat, by virtue of BEING a Queen Cat of a Noncat Colony. The choice of which Noncat Colony to rule, is made by The Queen Cat. However, dear reader, you must first be a CAT, in order to become a Queen Cat. A dog could never lead a colony...Noncat, or otherwise. Dogs care too much about what Noncats..er...humans think of them. They are people pleasers, fetching sticks, and catching balls, at the whims of their humans. All the human has to do is, in a firm voice, say, "BAD DOG," and you will tuck your tail between your hind legs and hide. Not good leadership at all...



I rest my case....



A reader from Catskill, NY, writes:

Dear Queen Cat:

How do you manage to get your Noncat Colony to feed you so much? Your figure is so full, and pleasingly plump. My Noncats do not seem to pick up on my que's for food. Any advice to share?



Dear Catskill Reader:

You must train a Noncat to feed you at YOUR request. This is done through a series, of what I call "Ritual Feedings." These are exercises that are done, not at scheduled mealtimes, but at all other available times. Noncats are easily trained, but can be forgetful. So constant reinforcement is necessary.

First, stare at the Noncat until you have their undivided attention...if training is going well, when they engage in eye contact with you, they should ask the question, "What?". You should then begin leading them to the feeding center, like a "Seeing-Eye Cat."



Secondly, while leading the Noncats to the food bowl, you may have to dart in front of them, or between their legs, in order to keep them on task. Remember Noncats are not the sharpest tacks on the corkboard...



Finally, if the Noncat fails to follow you to the feeding center...collapse in front of them, so that they trip over you. That usually gets their attention back on track.



Follow these foolproof steps, multiple times everyday, and you too, will be sitting pretty in no time.



Here is a question from a reader in Paininmytail, USA,:

Dear Queen Cat:

You are legendary in your distain for small Noncats. Couldn't you just give a small Noncat a chance, and try to forge a healthy, give and take relationship?



Ha, ha, ha...I'd rather lie on a hot, tin roof, than have a small Noncat handle me again.



I will only be comfortable when all small Noncats are kept in nice, plastic, habitrails.



The final question in this blog, is from a reader in Wilson, N.C.:

Dear Queen Cat:

I recently saw this pic on the internet, and personally, I was surprised...



Is there any truth to this pic? It looks like you are "Sleeping With The Enemy," or in this case, "Napping With The Intruder Cat?"



Dear Wilson Reader:

Give me a break!! As The Queen Cat of a Noncat Colony, I will, from time to time, have to suffer bad press. This picture, is quite obviously a very poor "Photo-Shop" cut and paste picture. My reputation of stalking, fighting, and finally, removing The Intruder Cat from my territory, speaks for itself.

I hope, dear readers, that I have answered your questions. Please remember to always give the honor and respect, that is due, to any feline in life.

Until we meet again, I remain, THE QUEEN CAT OF THE NONCAT COLONY!!